Why am I so afraid of something good happening to me? Like falling in love. People do it everyday. I would even dare to say that there is some two people, somewhere in the world, actively falling in love at this very second, and LOVING every second of it!
Those people are happy, care-free, and full of life and outlook.
So why am I so afraid to have something so desirable?
I think that sometimes when you put your whole heart and efforts into something and really pour your passion into it, and then... something happens to mess it all up, and suddenly all you thought, hoped, and dreamt about, is gone... It takes a serious toll on the mind. You start to question yourself. You question the truth within, and you question the real reality of happiness.
I know that, in the past, there has been many times I have placed my trust and confidence into people that have eventually let me down in every way possible, sending my heart spiraling downward to fend once again, for itself. Left to make decisions alone. Left to cope and heal, alone.
People... are people. I'm not perfect. I don't always remember every detail about every person I have ever met or shared a story with. So why should I expect others to remember even the littlest about myself? I mean sure, there are people in my life that do care to keep track more than others, but I still have to realize that no one is perfect, and people are always going to let you down. Whether they mean to or not. Given the choice, I hope to NEVER let someone down, but I know I will. I know I have.
Back to being scared. I have spent the last year, 12 whole months, completing a promise to myself to maintain being single and focus on myself and finding an stronger, more independent, women within.
To be honest, I've found her.
I've never really been the most confident, outgoing, type. And I'm still not. But, I love myself more now, then I have my whole life. I realize that I have been forgiven for my past, and just like anything else, the past stays where it is and doesn't have to follow you around if you don't allow it to. I've taken the focus I once put on relationships, and materials, and looks, and have allowed myself to just enjoy. Enjoy time alone, peace, quietness, family, growth, outdoors. Just doing things because I enjoyed it. And doing them because I wanted to. I've worked harder than ever this last year and have brought myself to a level of success that I'm very happy with.
The greatest thing I've gained thought has to be... self appreciation and respect.
I have this new outlook for myself. One that tells me I do deserve. I deserve it all if I want. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to get giddy and excited. I deserve to feel beautiful and loved and free within my surroundings. What I really deserve, and once never believed to be true, is that there is someone out there who is going to love every bit of me. flaws and all. And the best part is, I don't have to settle for anything less. Neither do I have a desire to. This year has taught me the importance of patience and desire for something great. I have faith. And I have hope. I also believe that this is all true for every person. Not one of us is perfect, but there is someone special out there who is going to fill all those holes and imperfections.
