I've had two dreams lately. I might even consider them nightmares.
I'ts very rare that I remember dreams, and even more rare if they are bad dreams. This Easter was kind of a weird one. It was great, don't get me wrong, but weird. It was the first time I spent it without any blood family.
Although the day went great and I spent my time serving at church with the kiddos a couple different service and then had a big meal with my boss and his family who basically are a second family to me... I woke up from a dream that stayed uneasy in the back of my mind the whole day.
That Sunday I woke up with a sudden realization that could have only been from a dream. This thought and idea instantly popped into my mind that felt so strong, it had to be true.
My thought was... "what on earth makes me think I deserve a girl?" How silly am I to have thought I would have one and actually be a good mother for a baby girl.
I remember waking up, feeling my thoughts instantly reflect this notion and feeling so stupid.
Suddenly, it all started to make sense. My mother had grown up and was pregnant by 19 and suffered from both bulimia and anorexia. She still suffers from the heavy mental damage that goes along with body image issues. My sister was raised in a divorced home and in her late teens got into heavy drug use that many times worried us about whether she would live to see her late 20s. My aunt who doesn't talk to any of the family, has a personality that switched in the blink of an eye, is 47 and single with a seasonal alcohol problem. And my grandma who wasn't able to raise her children sober most days and left mental damage in each of them.
Now, don't get me wrong, these women in my family are now so very incredible. Saved by Jesus, and moving on from their past mistakes and ways, they are the ones I look up most to. But the hard times, were really hard. Each not only effecting their lives, but the many who stood beside and prayed for change.
I see this direct domino effect of cause and effect in the women of my family. Each being effected from the other's choices and suffering in their own way. I look at myself, all my anxieties, body image and obsessive tendencies, stubborness. Things I hate about myself.
Would I be a good mother to a little girl? Or would my tendencies and weaknesses be too strong for me to hide and change the way she views her world. I want my daughter to have confidence and be courageous and lover herself for who she is. I want her to know she is beautiful and treasured. I want her to know that she deserves so many great things.
But how can I raise my little girl to believe these things when her own mother doesn't believe them for herself...
Now, for my second dream that happened last night, just a few days after my first one.
This dream was very clear. I was in a room full of baby boys, all wanting to play and be held. When I went to hold them they didn't want anything to do with me and instantly reached out for someone else. In my dream I found myself alone in the room and decided to totally give up on trying to get one of the babies to let me hold them
This dream was weird to me because I absolutely love kids. And kids... really love me. I know that's kind of a bold statement, but it's true. I've worked with children at church for a few years, and kids, especially the little boys, tend to gravitate towards me to play. I'm usually the one the teacher turns to when a child is upset or wanting their mother and needs to be preoccupied.
One day, I would love to be settled down in a beautiful home with the man of my dreams and share a life together with our little children who feel comfortable and happy enough to run free without worry.
I want a family of my own.
But these dreams make me question just how deserving I am...
I pray that these are just dreams and that God has a bigger plan for me. I know no matter how it all pans out in the end, my happiness is his goal, and as a child of his, he will never leave me without my hearts desires if they're measurable to his.
For now, I have to let the future remain in the future and keep a positive mind while I continue to trust Jesus.
