Day one, here we go!

So, this is my first time ever doing a blog, but I've always wanted to.
I guess I'll start off with where I am currently physically and mentally.
Physically: I'm sitting at a coffee shop, listening to Pandora, loving that I have the next two days off.
Mentally: I feel great. I'm dressed to go workout after this (I figure if I'm already in the gym clothes I have no excuse not to go), and did I mention I have a day off?
Don't get me wrong, I love my job and am so so thankful to even have one in times like these. I work in a bakery/cafe, which I LOVE. Hopefully one day I'll have my own... but thats's for later.
What's tough about it now is I'm doing this no sugar thing... and when you work at a bakery and your name is Madison Beard, it's VERY hard to quit sugar.
I guess we'll start off day one and get super personal by telling you that I grew up with a mother who struggled with an eating disorder in her younger days. She was always super small and was a victim of both bulimia and anorexia. She no longer battles with both of those, but because of the severity of the diseases and mental destruction they have, she'll battle with that mindset the rest of her life.
I grew up with constantly hearing "I am so full" "I should not have eaten so much, why did I eat all that"? "I can't eat that" "I got to go workout" " I already ate" "does this look okay"?
My mom wasn't intentionally trying to poison my brain with these ideas of not measuring up, or feeling of discomfort. But she did.
I don't have an anorexia or bulimia problem, and I never have. But, I've thought about it, I've thought about it so much. Especially in my weakest times when I feel the most unmeasurable.
What I do have is an obsession with food. I think about eating, and really wanting to eat. And I think about not eating, and how I shouldn't, constantly. I find myself repeating the same things as my mother. Words at the dinner table after a perfectly good meal will spill out of my mouth, "why did I eat all of that"?
I am NOT going to be that. I'm taking a stand. I see this constant battle inside me with food addiction at age 19 and I'm deciding now that it won't rule me 20 years down the road like it does my mom. I want my daughter to feel beautiful, and love herself for who she is and who she will grow to be. I don't want to be responsible for a food addiction and self destruction in my child.
Plus, I'm sick of beating myself up.
God made me beautiful, fearfully and wonderfully made as they say, and who am I to say his work is anything but?
I know my typical way of eating is completely over doing it and eating my heart out, and then mentally beating myself up after to a point of restraint from all pleasure that's found in a meal, and then falling back into over doing it again at the site of food because of the punishment of deprivation from the pig out before.
Before you assume anything, I'm a very healthy, normal sized women. Not too thin and not too big. I'm athletic built and fairly in shape.
But that doesn't keep me satisfied. If I'm going to be honest, yeah, I'd much rather be a few pounds smaller and have less muscle in my legs and arms. BUT this is why I'm going to overcome this all. I want to start really loving and accepting myself. I'm ready to be comfortable in everyday situations.
I've given up sweets and sugars for two weeks because it's my first step to self denial and self control.
I need to deny myself of these quick pleasures that I know later I beat myself up over.
I think in America today, we are so used to quick and easy fulfillments and instant gratification, that we forget the importance of denying the flesh of what it wants and thinks it "needs" to get by. How can we learn to overcome battles and trials in our life when we are so used to always getting our way?
So, when I get that urge to stuff my face, or indulge as a way of emotionally coping, I'm going to refrain. Save myself from the mental trash talk, and actually feel so much powerful for saying no to myself. If I stop letting food be the driving force in my life, and take away it's power and control, I think I can really get through this addiction. This obsession.
I'm going to beat this.