selfish.

sometimes i look back on my single life and miss it.

not because my current relationship is struggling or my boyfriend isn't the one.

but because it's a lot of work.

it's a lot of work to go from only worrying about yourself-and what you enjoy and how you want to spend your time- to what someone else may want aside from you.

all your life has been spent getting to know the person you were made to be and the dreams and aspirations that you have always placed at the forefront of your plans. when you enter into a relationship, you get to soon know a different persons goals, dreams, aspirations, ect. 

And it's great. don't get me wrong, there is absolutely something awesome about meeting someone you connect with and enjoy being around and sharing days and memories with. 

there are times though that you will enter into a season of work. selfless and mentally draining work.

some days will be great, while others are met with attitude and disagreements that send you into selfishly dreaming about how much easier it would be if you were just single-spending your days on your time frame within your scheduled plans.  

when i start to think like this is usually when i need to just take some time for myself. not by breaking things off and being single, but by taking time alone to sit and breathe. a day to myself where i can really reflect on my attitude and thoughts and rationalize. normally it's as simple as getting out a paper and pen and writing out my feelings and writing out the things i need in someone. then i write out all the traits of my boyfriend that i absolutely love and reflect on why i chose him in the first place. i remind myself that he is only human, and he too is struggling with the same decisions to be selfless and considerate of my desires. i realize that life may be easier when it's just me worrying aboout me... but i don't want to spend a life alone. 

at some point we all have to go through this season (or seasons) of hard, selfess work in order to gain the relationship we desire with our potential spouse. i want to have a relationship with my boyfriend and future husband that is gracious and loving on both parts. full of forgiveness and growth, while we learn to become better people in the process of becoming one. 

my boyfriend has a lot of great traits and strengths that i admire and would love to have myself. if i'm too stubborn to come to middle grounds with him and learn about how he operates and what he needs from me, i'm choosing to remain as my own individual, stuck in my own bullheaded selfishness. 

there is a lot that can be learned from other people. it takes a lot of work and humbling of ourselves. letting go of pride can be one of the toughest things to do, it forces us to think outside of ourselves and onto others... and it's a completely foreign place for our minds. we might not be good at it at first, but i can promise that the more time we spent outward and focused on others, the better we will become.

so this work is hard. it's painful at times and very frustrating. it can send you to a place of defeat and desire to just give up. but, if you give yourself time every once in a while to be in silence and reflect the reality that this change in your soul and heart may be a good one, this work soon becomes worth it all.

don't give up something that's great because it has become hard and forces you to change.   

change can be very good. 

a new life in someone else's home with the same old me.

so i'm here, on the complete opposite side of the country, living in someone else's home.

the home is beautiful. it's huge. 6 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms, three dining areas, two living rooms, a grand piano room, a workout room and a downstairs bar. 

my room is by far the biggest room i've ever had with high ceilings and attached bathroom. its set quietly and alone on the very bottom story of 3. the kitchen is grand and inviting, just waiting to be explored.

i could quite possibly be living in my dream home.

alone.

not that i'm alone, alone... but i am living with strangers. a mom with her own busy, well kept life- and two energetic boys of the ages 2 and 6. my day consists of waking up at 6:15 to get the oldest up, dressed, fed and to the bus stop for school. somewhere during this, the 2 year old wakes up and we start the day off with a big smile and a diaper change. 

while the 6 year old is off at school till 4, Jackson (2) and i spend the morning eating breakfast outside and listening to the baby birds chirp. the rest of the day is filled with constant conversation. but not your average conversation. its a discussion that goes back and fourth, repeating words like 'cars, baby cars, mommy cars, snack, birds, no, cars, daddy cars, snack, bubye, no, cars...' 

we spend time trying to learn new words, but it mostly just comes back to the ones he already knows and loves to say.

by the end of the day i am ready to just have a real conversation, with real sentences and responding sides. 

don't get me wrong, Jackson is one of the best kids, full of excitement and joy and wonder. i love watching him learn and make sense of the things around him.

---- but, getting back to the part where i live in someone else's house...

the mother is great. kind, giving, caring. she gets home about 5:30 and then i'm off to have time to myself for the night. 

so, i go to my room. my big, empty, blank walls, room. i've dressed it up a little with a comforter set and bright pillows but other than that its pretty plain. my car hasn't arrived from Oregon, and won't for another two weeks, so i feel kind of stuck. it would be nice to at least have some things to do to occupy my alone time, or even spend it with someone else like my boyfriend who is only 5 miles away.

i'm kind of a giant people pleaser. which means i have a hard time asking people things if i feel they can be the slightest of discomfort or burden to them. like last night, i made the venture out to take public transportation to downtown DC for dinner with my boyfriend's work company. the whole night i worried and stressed about the time because no matter how responsible and respectful i know i am, i was afraid of getting home too late and the mother feeling uncomfortable and uneasy about me being able to wake up in time and perform my job. because i was worried that she'd be up worrying about when i'd get home-which she probably wasn't considering i am a 21 year old and she isn't my mother- my night was sort of hindered with the stress in the back of my mind. 

sure enough, i got home and woke up the next morning on time and ready to take on the day with the kiddos.

i've realized that i'm even afraid to leave for the weekend to explore the east coast with my boyfriend like we usually do since we're both new to the area. but, i was hired, and i am an employee. my job is monday through friday only until 5:30. so why can't i stop trying to make my life suffer in hopes of making sure she has no reason to worry or wonder? by me living my life apart from my job, there should be no reason for me to have to mix them anyways. what i do on my off time is my choice. and it's not like she's asking questions or holding anything above me, so why do i worry? why am i intimidated and desiring to please her so much?

i believe that my reasonings come from when i was younger and decided to make it my responsibility to keep things in order and going smooth. at a time when my home was in turmoil, and my parents we're having their personal struggles, i learned how to manipulate and direct my circumstances in order to make sure that nothing i did would lead to a blow up. i lived in fear.

how silly to think that it's a child's job to keep the mood calm and without any room for friction. my parents didn't purposely put these ideas in my head, but through experience and through settings where i saw anger, disappointment, and difficulty- i simply made the decision that i didn't want it to be that anymore so i would do all i could to prevent it.

i made it my responsibility. i knowingly took on the responsibility and made it my burden. and when i failed to keep things calm, or failed at preventing something from erupting, the blame quickly turned on me. if only i could have done something. if only i could have spoke to them before hand. if only i could have been faster. if only i could have skipped out on what i wanted to do and payed a little more attention to the surrounding situation...

this isn't right.

a child should never feel these pressures and burdens. 

an adult should never care so much about making others happy and pleased if it takes away from their happiness and sanity. but here i am in a rut of deep rooted tendencies that i instilled in myself at a young age.

the question i have for myself... will i learn to let go and give it all over to God? not just the big things, but the little things throughout the day that i let my mind anxiously plan out in order to make everyone else's life on earth as comfortable as it can be. what about my life? can i focus on that being one that i consciously decide to do what makes me happy and what makes my life comfortable on this earth?

i want to try. 

Beauty within the beast

Do you remember being little and thinking 5 dollars in your pocket may as well have been 10 million bucks-you were rich! A fight with your brother or sister was daily, but always forgiven and left in the past with each start of a new morning. You never worried about a tag showing because your shirt was inside out, or a ketchup stain from your hot dog you had when your mom fed you an hour ago in the kitchen.

Buildings were ginormous, cartoons were always funny and entertaining, and you cried because you lost your favorite toy or your mom was leaving you alone with the scary babysitter.

You never once cried over a boy who broke your heart and walked away leaving you feeling greatly vulnerable and unworthy. You never had to watch your big sister fall in and out of rehab as well as in and out of your life while in between the abusing boyfriend of the month. You never were forced to hate your father because your mother allowed you see his unfaithfulness and mistakes to his wife as she kept the fire burning with bitterness and control. You had no idea that being a little child meant you were a sponge, full of absorbing pores that in due time you would have to sort through all the gunk that had been taken and turned into mold throughout the years as it made a home deep down inside of you.

When your heart breaks, it hurts. Lying, hurts. Cheating, hurts. Deceit and lies, hurt. Vulnerability, hurts.

Life is full of so many ups and downs, joys and pains, happiness and sorrow. But I have learned to always remind myself of one thing---- it's not the end of the world. Because there may be a sad day, happiness will always follow. The next day always comes with another opportunity to make a move or change that can distance you from ever feeling that pain again.

In these hard, dark times... We learn about our weaknesses as well as our strengths. We learn where we can improve ourselves and what we want out of life. Each day is filled with so many choices and the free will to choose your journey. Because of the things I've seen as a child, I thank God that it has and is continuing to sculpt me into the person He desires me to be. The one He so wonderfully created. I would never take back the opportunity to love and know what love felt like in order to not feel the pain of a broken heart. I would never choose to not have a sister so I would never have to see her speak evil words of my parents or hurt because of her choices to bring pain to herself. I would never wish for parents who were more private and kept their struggles from me... Because in that I've learned what the meaning of true, unconditional and raw love means.

I've learned through pain that people are not perfect, just as I am no where near perfection. I've learned the importance of being human and learning from those placed in your life for reasons. There is much reward for fighting and persevering, even if its only to see the rainbow after the rain. It's so important to never judge someone for their decisions, whether good or bad, because we don't know what it looks like to walk their path and see through their eyes as sweet, innocent children. We have no idea the pains and strife they've trudged through, or even the dark days they've faced. But one thing we can do is keep hope. See the good. See the beauty in the beast. Appreciate flaws and thank God for restoration. Pray for healing and growth and never, ever give up hope. Have faith in Lord and the great job He has already done in never failing us.

This world is full of wrong and undeserved pains... but we have the choice to change the lens we look through each day. strive to see the good in broken people who are just gasping for fresh air and someone who cares. Rejoice in your struggles for with them come joy and gratefulness for the things that are truly blessings in disguise.