a new life in someone else's home with the same old me.

so i'm here, on the complete opposite side of the country, living in someone else's home.

the home is beautiful. it's huge. 6 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms, three dining areas, two living rooms, a grand piano room, a workout room and a downstairs bar. 

my room is by far the biggest room i've ever had with high ceilings and attached bathroom. its set quietly and alone on the very bottom story of 3. the kitchen is grand and inviting, just waiting to be explored.

i could quite possibly be living in my dream home.

alone.

not that i'm alone, alone... but i am living with strangers. a mom with her own busy, well kept life- and two energetic boys of the ages 2 and 6. my day consists of waking up at 6:15 to get the oldest up, dressed, fed and to the bus stop for school. somewhere during this, the 2 year old wakes up and we start the day off with a big smile and a diaper change. 

while the 6 year old is off at school till 4, Jackson (2) and i spend the morning eating breakfast outside and listening to the baby birds chirp. the rest of the day is filled with constant conversation. but not your average conversation. its a discussion that goes back and fourth, repeating words like 'cars, baby cars, mommy cars, snack, birds, no, cars, daddy cars, snack, bubye, no, cars...' 

we spend time trying to learn new words, but it mostly just comes back to the ones he already knows and loves to say.

by the end of the day i am ready to just have a real conversation, with real sentences and responding sides. 

don't get me wrong, Jackson is one of the best kids, full of excitement and joy and wonder. i love watching him learn and make sense of the things around him.

---- but, getting back to the part where i live in someone else's house...

the mother is great. kind, giving, caring. she gets home about 5:30 and then i'm off to have time to myself for the night. 

so, i go to my room. my big, empty, blank walls, room. i've dressed it up a little with a comforter set and bright pillows but other than that its pretty plain. my car hasn't arrived from Oregon, and won't for another two weeks, so i feel kind of stuck. it would be nice to at least have some things to do to occupy my alone time, or even spend it with someone else like my boyfriend who is only 5 miles away.

i'm kind of a giant people pleaser. which means i have a hard time asking people things if i feel they can be the slightest of discomfort or burden to them. like last night, i made the venture out to take public transportation to downtown DC for dinner with my boyfriend's work company. the whole night i worried and stressed about the time because no matter how responsible and respectful i know i am, i was afraid of getting home too late and the mother feeling uncomfortable and uneasy about me being able to wake up in time and perform my job. because i was worried that she'd be up worrying about when i'd get home-which she probably wasn't considering i am a 21 year old and she isn't my mother- my night was sort of hindered with the stress in the back of my mind. 

sure enough, i got home and woke up the next morning on time and ready to take on the day with the kiddos.

i've realized that i'm even afraid to leave for the weekend to explore the east coast with my boyfriend like we usually do since we're both new to the area. but, i was hired, and i am an employee. my job is monday through friday only until 5:30. so why can't i stop trying to make my life suffer in hopes of making sure she has no reason to worry or wonder? by me living my life apart from my job, there should be no reason for me to have to mix them anyways. what i do on my off time is my choice. and it's not like she's asking questions or holding anything above me, so why do i worry? why am i intimidated and desiring to please her so much?

i believe that my reasonings come from when i was younger and decided to make it my responsibility to keep things in order and going smooth. at a time when my home was in turmoil, and my parents we're having their personal struggles, i learned how to manipulate and direct my circumstances in order to make sure that nothing i did would lead to a blow up. i lived in fear.

how silly to think that it's a child's job to keep the mood calm and without any room for friction. my parents didn't purposely put these ideas in my head, but through experience and through settings where i saw anger, disappointment, and difficulty- i simply made the decision that i didn't want it to be that anymore so i would do all i could to prevent it.

i made it my responsibility. i knowingly took on the responsibility and made it my burden. and when i failed to keep things calm, or failed at preventing something from erupting, the blame quickly turned on me. if only i could have done something. if only i could have spoke to them before hand. if only i could have been faster. if only i could have skipped out on what i wanted to do and payed a little more attention to the surrounding situation...

this isn't right.

a child should never feel these pressures and burdens. 

an adult should never care so much about making others happy and pleased if it takes away from their happiness and sanity. but here i am in a rut of deep rooted tendencies that i instilled in myself at a young age.

the question i have for myself... will i learn to let go and give it all over to God? not just the big things, but the little things throughout the day that i let my mind anxiously plan out in order to make everyone else's life on earth as comfortable as it can be. what about my life? can i focus on that being one that i consciously decide to do what makes me happy and what makes my life comfortable on this earth?

i want to try.