Unmeasurable accusations

Being a girl, naturally all my life I dreamed about my perfect sequence of children i'd one day have and the names I would choose. I always have wanted a girl to be first, and then a boy. 

I've had two dreams lately. I might even consider them nightmares. 

I'ts very rare that I remember dreams, and even more rare if they are bad dreams. This Easter was kind of a weird one. It was great, don't get me wrong, but weird. It was the first time I spent it without any blood family. 

Although the day went great and I spent my time serving at church with the kiddos a couple different service and then had a big meal with my boss and his family who basically are a second family to me... I woke up from a dream that stayed uneasy in the back of my mind the whole day.

That Sunday I woke up with a sudden realization that could have only been from a dream. This thought and idea instantly popped into my mind that felt so strong, it had to be true.

My thought was... "what on earth makes me think I deserve a girl?" How silly am I to have thought I would have one and actually be a good mother for a baby girl.

I remember waking up, feeling my thoughts instantly reflect this notion and feeling so stupid.

Suddenly, it all started to make sense. My mother had grown up and was pregnant by 19 and suffered from both bulimia and anorexia. She still suffers from the heavy mental damage that goes along with body image issues. My sister was raised in a divorced home and in her late teens got into heavy drug use that many times worried us about whether she would live to see her late 20s. My aunt who doesn't talk to any of the family, has a personality that switched in the blink of an eye, is 47 and single with a seasonal alcohol problem. And my grandma who wasn't able to raise her children sober most days and left mental damage in each of them.

Now, don't get me wrong, these women in my family are now so very incredible. Saved by Jesus, and moving on from their past mistakes and ways, they are the ones I look up most to. But the hard times, were really hard. Each not only effecting their lives, but the many who stood beside and prayed for change. 

I see this direct domino effect of cause and effect in the women of my family. Each being effected from the other's choices and suffering in their own way. I look at myself, all my anxieties, body image and obsessive tendencies, stubborness. Things I hate about myself.

Would I be a good mother to a little girl? Or would my tendencies and weaknesses be too strong for me to hide and change the way she views her world. I want my daughter to have confidence and be courageous and lover herself for who she is. I want her to know she is beautiful and treasured. I want her to know that she deserves so many great things.

But how can I raise my little girl to believe these things when her own mother doesn't believe them for herself...

Now, for my second dream that happened last night, just a few days after my first one.

This dream was very clear. I was in a room full of baby boys, all wanting to play and be held. When I went to hold them they didn't want anything to do with me and instantly reached out for someone else. In my dream I found myself alone in the room and decided to totally give up on trying to get one of the babies to let me hold them

This dream was weird to me because I absolutely love kids. And kids... really love me. I know that's kind of a bold statement, but it's true. I've worked with children at church for a few years, and kids, especially the little boys, tend to gravitate towards me to play. I'm usually the one the teacher turns to when a child is upset or wanting their mother and needs to be preoccupied.

One day, I would love to be settled down in a beautiful home with the man of my dreams and share a life together with our little children who feel comfortable and happy enough to run free without worry. 

I want a family of my own.

But these dreams make me question just how deserving I am...

I pray that these are just dreams and that God has a bigger plan for me. I know no matter how it all pans out in the end, my happiness is his goal, and as a child of his, he will never leave me without my hearts desires if they're measurable to his.

For now, I have to let the future remain in the future and keep a positive mind while I continue to trust Jesus. 

Were Heading For A Brighter Day

A friend really put some things in prospective for me the other day. 

I don't know if he realizes, but he told me a lot of things that I hope to carry through with for the rest of my life.

He told me that you should never invest emotions into someone with the intentions and outlook that the big things they're lacking as a person, they'll hopefully one day possess and be all that you need them to be. 

"It's good to want to encourage someone, to build them up and push them towards their potential, but you also have to take someone where they are and if that isn't somewhere you can be happy with if they DON'T change, then pass". 

I like to put a lot of hope and faith in people and desire to see them grow. I want people to have opportunity, and hope for a better future. I never want to doubt someone's potential or strength. But when it comes to my own happiness, and finding someone to share that happiness with, I can't afford to make exceptions with the hope of them one day being all that I need. If I can't fully trust that they're someone that is going to lead me and protect me, invest time and emotion into a relationship and desire to lead me in the ways of Christ, I can't invest precious emotions and feelings that i'm not completely sure will be returned. 

I have to believe that there is someone out there willing to lead and love me the way I desire to be loved. 

He told me that he was a big fan of picking up and moving to a place and starting completely from scratch and putting himself in situations that forced him to make something of himself. THIS inspired me. I'm always wishing to be somewhere else. Usually, it's some a place like Italy, or sunny California. 

I just got a letter saying my application to Azusa Pacific University was still in affect from two years ago when I had applied and received a pretty decent scholarship for writing. Because I was in a relationship with a guy I had been with for almost two years, I let the opportunity pass because of the fear that I might lose him. As time has passed, and I'm no longer dating him, I have come to realize that because I was blinded by young, foolish love, I let go of a major opportunity and my heart still deeply longs to go that route.

Today, I decided I can still go that route. I'ts going to take a little fearless courage, moving 20 hours away to a place I don't know a single person. But i'm ready for change. And i'm ready to do something for myself; take a leap of faith and see where it gets me. If I don't like it, i'm at a place in life where i'm not risking or losing much. 

[{At least I can look back and say that I took the chance and I chased a dream}]

SO, I filled out and re-applied for school in sunny California next year. The time building up to the move will be spent saving up and preparing for change. I can't wait to see what that will look like.

I'm dying to breath in these abundant skies

Limitless

Imagine doing everything you have ever dreamed.
What would it look like?

I know I'd be traveling. I'd probably be somewhere in Southern California, going to school and relaxing on the beach on my free time. Totally soaking in the beauty around and happily feeling the sun, warm against my golden skin.

Reality? I'm here. In Portland. Suffocated by freezing fog and pouring rain. Waking up most mornings between 4-5, working full time, going to school full time, and spending any extra time-studying full time. My head is barely above water, struggling to stay afloat between anxieties and stresses that are continually focused on weighing me down. I dream of sunshine, and I continually wish to be somewhere else but here. My mind gets trapped in a negative, nauseating state that tells me you had your chance, you didn't take it, now stick it out and make it through. Whether you like it or not.

Why do I let myself believe such a lie like that--- I ALREADY had my chance, and blew it? How come I only had one chance? Do I not get any others the rest of my life?

[(I believe the chances will always be there, they're simply just waiting to be taken)]


So what is it going to take to make me bold enough to take a chance? Risk a little?
I want to believe that because these desires and dreams are placed in my heart and continually make their appearance in my everyday life, they are bound to be somewhat beneficial to my needs.

IF NOT NOW, WHEN?


Your life is waiting to begin whenever you let it and wherever you take it. Your life follows, no matter where you are.

It's important not to add up all these notions in your mind that once you settle in, your stuck and can't move. That's all just a fear of potential discomfort and loss of control. You shouldn't fear discomfort for it's when you are taken away from your comfort zone that you're forced to grow. You shouldn't be afraid to lose control of your life, for when it comes down to it, you have zero control of the the possibilities and predicaments of your life; all you are expected to do is live it.

I want to live mine without fear. I want to live a life FULL of hope and excitement for the coming adventures and changes. At  some point you have to take yourself out of the equation and allow your mind to let go and just do. Imagine the habits you will create if you automatically count options and dreams as impossible or as a lost chance. What will you ever have to look forward to or to be hopeful and excited about. Most likely... not a whole lot.



Lord, remind me of how brief my time on earth will be. Remind me that my days are numbered-how fleeting my life is. You have made my life no longer than the width of my hand. My entire lifetime is just a moment to you; At best, each of us is but a breath.


Where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you.


Psalm 39

"If fear hasn't killed me yet, It never will"-John Mayer

Scared of what might be. Scared of what possibly could be. Scared.

Why am I so afraid of something good happening to me? Like falling in love. People do it everyday. I would even dare to say that there is some two people, somewhere in the world, actively falling in love at this very second, and LOVING every second of it!
Those people are happy, care-free, and full of life and outlook.
So why am I so afraid to have something so desirable?
I think that sometimes when you put your whole heart and efforts into something and really pour your passion into it, and then... something happens to mess it all up, and suddenly all you thought, hoped, and dreamt about, is gone... It takes a serious toll on the mind. You start to question yourself. You question the truth within, and you question the real reality of happiness.
I know that, in the past, there has been many times I have placed my trust and confidence into people that have eventually let me down in every way possible, sending my heart spiraling downward to fend once again, for itself. Left to make decisions alone. Left to cope and heal, alone.
People... are people. I'm not perfect. I don't always remember every detail about every person I have ever met or shared a story with. So why should I expect others to remember even the littlest about myself? I mean sure, there are people in my life that do care to keep track more than others, but I still have to realize that no one is perfect, and people are always going to let you down. Whether they mean to or not. Given the choice, I hope to NEVER let someone down, but I know I will. I know I have.
Back to being scared. I have spent the last year, 12 whole months, completing a promise to myself to maintain being single and focus on myself and finding an stronger, more independent, women within.
To be honest, I've found her.
I've never really been the most confident, outgoing, type. And I'm still not. But, I love myself more now, then I have my whole life. I realize that I have been forgiven for my past, and just like anything else, the past stays where it is and doesn't have to follow you around if you don't allow it to. I've taken the focus I once put on relationships, and materials, and looks, and have allowed myself to just enjoy. Enjoy time alone, peace, quietness, family, growth, outdoors. Just doing things because I enjoyed it. And doing them because I wanted to. I've worked harder than ever this last year and have brought myself to a level of success that I'm very happy with.
The greatest thing I've gained thought has to be... self appreciation and respect.
I have this new outlook for myself. One that tells me I do deserve. I deserve it all if I want. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to get giddy and excited. I deserve to feel beautiful and loved and free within my surroundings. What I really deserve, and once never believed to be true, is that there is someone out there who is going to love every bit of me. flaws and all. And the best part is, I don't have to settle for anything less. Neither do I have a desire to. This year has taught me the importance of patience and desire for something great. I have faith. And I have hope. I also believe that this is all true for every person. Not one of us is perfect, but there is someone special out there who is going to fill all those holes and imperfections.

As for me? I'm going to forget about being scared and let myself get giddy. Be excited, cause there is love out there, and you're just as fortunate and deserving as the rest.