selfish.

sometimes i look back on my single life and miss it.

not because my current relationship is struggling or my boyfriend isn't the one.

but because it's a lot of work.

it's a lot of work to go from only worrying about yourself-and what you enjoy and how you want to spend your time- to what someone else may want aside from you.

all your life has been spent getting to know the person you were made to be and the dreams and aspirations that you have always placed at the forefront of your plans. when you enter into a relationship, you get to soon know a different persons goals, dreams, aspirations, ect. 

And it's great. don't get me wrong, there is absolutely something awesome about meeting someone you connect with and enjoy being around and sharing days and memories with. 

there are times though that you will enter into a season of work. selfless and mentally draining work.

some days will be great, while others are met with attitude and disagreements that send you into selfishly dreaming about how much easier it would be if you were just single-spending your days on your time frame within your scheduled plans.  

when i start to think like this is usually when i need to just take some time for myself. not by breaking things off and being single, but by taking time alone to sit and breathe. a day to myself where i can really reflect on my attitude and thoughts and rationalize. normally it's as simple as getting out a paper and pen and writing out my feelings and writing out the things i need in someone. then i write out all the traits of my boyfriend that i absolutely love and reflect on why i chose him in the first place. i remind myself that he is only human, and he too is struggling with the same decisions to be selfless and considerate of my desires. i realize that life may be easier when it's just me worrying aboout me... but i don't want to spend a life alone. 

at some point we all have to go through this season (or seasons) of hard, selfess work in order to gain the relationship we desire with our potential spouse. i want to have a relationship with my boyfriend and future husband that is gracious and loving on both parts. full of forgiveness and growth, while we learn to become better people in the process of becoming one. 

my boyfriend has a lot of great traits and strengths that i admire and would love to have myself. if i'm too stubborn to come to middle grounds with him and learn about how he operates and what he needs from me, i'm choosing to remain as my own individual, stuck in my own bullheaded selfishness. 

there is a lot that can be learned from other people. it takes a lot of work and humbling of ourselves. letting go of pride can be one of the toughest things to do, it forces us to think outside of ourselves and onto others... and it's a completely foreign place for our minds. we might not be good at it at first, but i can promise that the more time we spent outward and focused on others, the better we will become.

so this work is hard. it's painful at times and very frustrating. it can send you to a place of defeat and desire to just give up. but, if you give yourself time every once in a while to be in silence and reflect the reality that this change in your soul and heart may be a good one, this work soon becomes worth it all.

don't give up something that's great because it has become hard and forces you to change.   

change can be very good. 

a new life in someone else's home with the same old me.

so i'm here, on the complete opposite side of the country, living in someone else's home.

the home is beautiful. it's huge. 6 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms, three dining areas, two living rooms, a grand piano room, a workout room and a downstairs bar. 

my room is by far the biggest room i've ever had with high ceilings and attached bathroom. its set quietly and alone on the very bottom story of 3. the kitchen is grand and inviting, just waiting to be explored.

i could quite possibly be living in my dream home.

alone.

not that i'm alone, alone... but i am living with strangers. a mom with her own busy, well kept life- and two energetic boys of the ages 2 and 6. my day consists of waking up at 6:15 to get the oldest up, dressed, fed and to the bus stop for school. somewhere during this, the 2 year old wakes up and we start the day off with a big smile and a diaper change. 

while the 6 year old is off at school till 4, Jackson (2) and i spend the morning eating breakfast outside and listening to the baby birds chirp. the rest of the day is filled with constant conversation. but not your average conversation. its a discussion that goes back and fourth, repeating words like 'cars, baby cars, mommy cars, snack, birds, no, cars, daddy cars, snack, bubye, no, cars...' 

we spend time trying to learn new words, but it mostly just comes back to the ones he already knows and loves to say.

by the end of the day i am ready to just have a real conversation, with real sentences and responding sides. 

don't get me wrong, Jackson is one of the best kids, full of excitement and joy and wonder. i love watching him learn and make sense of the things around him.

---- but, getting back to the part where i live in someone else's house...

the mother is great. kind, giving, caring. she gets home about 5:30 and then i'm off to have time to myself for the night. 

so, i go to my room. my big, empty, blank walls, room. i've dressed it up a little with a comforter set and bright pillows but other than that its pretty plain. my car hasn't arrived from Oregon, and won't for another two weeks, so i feel kind of stuck. it would be nice to at least have some things to do to occupy my alone time, or even spend it with someone else like my boyfriend who is only 5 miles away.

i'm kind of a giant people pleaser. which means i have a hard time asking people things if i feel they can be the slightest of discomfort or burden to them. like last night, i made the venture out to take public transportation to downtown DC for dinner with my boyfriend's work company. the whole night i worried and stressed about the time because no matter how responsible and respectful i know i am, i was afraid of getting home too late and the mother feeling uncomfortable and uneasy about me being able to wake up in time and perform my job. because i was worried that she'd be up worrying about when i'd get home-which she probably wasn't considering i am a 21 year old and she isn't my mother- my night was sort of hindered with the stress in the back of my mind. 

sure enough, i got home and woke up the next morning on time and ready to take on the day with the kiddos.

i've realized that i'm even afraid to leave for the weekend to explore the east coast with my boyfriend like we usually do since we're both new to the area. but, i was hired, and i am an employee. my job is monday through friday only until 5:30. so why can't i stop trying to make my life suffer in hopes of making sure she has no reason to worry or wonder? by me living my life apart from my job, there should be no reason for me to have to mix them anyways. what i do on my off time is my choice. and it's not like she's asking questions or holding anything above me, so why do i worry? why am i intimidated and desiring to please her so much?

i believe that my reasonings come from when i was younger and decided to make it my responsibility to keep things in order and going smooth. at a time when my home was in turmoil, and my parents we're having their personal struggles, i learned how to manipulate and direct my circumstances in order to make sure that nothing i did would lead to a blow up. i lived in fear.

how silly to think that it's a child's job to keep the mood calm and without any room for friction. my parents didn't purposely put these ideas in my head, but through experience and through settings where i saw anger, disappointment, and difficulty- i simply made the decision that i didn't want it to be that anymore so i would do all i could to prevent it.

i made it my responsibility. i knowingly took on the responsibility and made it my burden. and when i failed to keep things calm, or failed at preventing something from erupting, the blame quickly turned on me. if only i could have done something. if only i could have spoke to them before hand. if only i could have been faster. if only i could have skipped out on what i wanted to do and payed a little more attention to the surrounding situation...

this isn't right.

a child should never feel these pressures and burdens. 

an adult should never care so much about making others happy and pleased if it takes away from their happiness and sanity. but here i am in a rut of deep rooted tendencies that i instilled in myself at a young age.

the question i have for myself... will i learn to let go and give it all over to God? not just the big things, but the little things throughout the day that i let my mind anxiously plan out in order to make everyone else's life on earth as comfortable as it can be. what about my life? can i focus on that being one that i consciously decide to do what makes me happy and what makes my life comfortable on this earth?

i want to try. 

Beauty within the beast

Do you remember being little and thinking 5 dollars in your pocket may as well have been 10 million bucks-you were rich! A fight with your brother or sister was daily, but always forgiven and left in the past with each start of a new morning. You never worried about a tag showing because your shirt was inside out, or a ketchup stain from your hot dog you had when your mom fed you an hour ago in the kitchen.

Buildings were ginormous, cartoons were always funny and entertaining, and you cried because you lost your favorite toy or your mom was leaving you alone with the scary babysitter.

You never once cried over a boy who broke your heart and walked away leaving you feeling greatly vulnerable and unworthy. You never had to watch your big sister fall in and out of rehab as well as in and out of your life while in between the abusing boyfriend of the month. You never were forced to hate your father because your mother allowed you see his unfaithfulness and mistakes to his wife as she kept the fire burning with bitterness and control. You had no idea that being a little child meant you were a sponge, full of absorbing pores that in due time you would have to sort through all the gunk that had been taken and turned into mold throughout the years as it made a home deep down inside of you.

When your heart breaks, it hurts. Lying, hurts. Cheating, hurts. Deceit and lies, hurt. Vulnerability, hurts.

Life is full of so many ups and downs, joys and pains, happiness and sorrow. But I have learned to always remind myself of one thing---- it's not the end of the world. Because there may be a sad day, happiness will always follow. The next day always comes with another opportunity to make a move or change that can distance you from ever feeling that pain again.

In these hard, dark times... We learn about our weaknesses as well as our strengths. We learn where we can improve ourselves and what we want out of life. Each day is filled with so many choices and the free will to choose your journey. Because of the things I've seen as a child, I thank God that it has and is continuing to sculpt me into the person He desires me to be. The one He so wonderfully created. I would never take back the opportunity to love and know what love felt like in order to not feel the pain of a broken heart. I would never choose to not have a sister so I would never have to see her speak evil words of my parents or hurt because of her choices to bring pain to herself. I would never wish for parents who were more private and kept their struggles from me... Because in that I've learned what the meaning of true, unconditional and raw love means.

I've learned through pain that people are not perfect, just as I am no where near perfection. I've learned the importance of being human and learning from those placed in your life for reasons. There is much reward for fighting and persevering, even if its only to see the rainbow after the rain. It's so important to never judge someone for their decisions, whether good or bad, because we don't know what it looks like to walk their path and see through their eyes as sweet, innocent children. We have no idea the pains and strife they've trudged through, or even the dark days they've faced. But one thing we can do is keep hope. See the good. See the beauty in the beast. Appreciate flaws and thank God for restoration. Pray for healing and growth and never, ever give up hope. Have faith in Lord and the great job He has already done in never failing us.

This world is full of wrong and undeserved pains... but we have the choice to change the lens we look through each day. strive to see the good in broken people who are just gasping for fresh air and someone who cares. Rejoice in your struggles for with them come joy and gratefulness for the things that are truly blessings in disguise.

Unmeasurable accusations

Being a girl, naturally all my life I dreamed about my perfect sequence of children i'd one day have and the names I would choose. I always have wanted a girl to be first, and then a boy. 

I've had two dreams lately. I might even consider them nightmares. 

I'ts very rare that I remember dreams, and even more rare if they are bad dreams. This Easter was kind of a weird one. It was great, don't get me wrong, but weird. It was the first time I spent it without any blood family. 

Although the day went great and I spent my time serving at church with the kiddos a couple different service and then had a big meal with my boss and his family who basically are a second family to me... I woke up from a dream that stayed uneasy in the back of my mind the whole day.

That Sunday I woke up with a sudden realization that could have only been from a dream. This thought and idea instantly popped into my mind that felt so strong, it had to be true.

My thought was... "what on earth makes me think I deserve a girl?" How silly am I to have thought I would have one and actually be a good mother for a baby girl.

I remember waking up, feeling my thoughts instantly reflect this notion and feeling so stupid.

Suddenly, it all started to make sense. My mother had grown up and was pregnant by 19 and suffered from both bulimia and anorexia. She still suffers from the heavy mental damage that goes along with body image issues. My sister was raised in a divorced home and in her late teens got into heavy drug use that many times worried us about whether she would live to see her late 20s. My aunt who doesn't talk to any of the family, has a personality that switched in the blink of an eye, is 47 and single with a seasonal alcohol problem. And my grandma who wasn't able to raise her children sober most days and left mental damage in each of them.

Now, don't get me wrong, these women in my family are now so very incredible. Saved by Jesus, and moving on from their past mistakes and ways, they are the ones I look up most to. But the hard times, were really hard. Each not only effecting their lives, but the many who stood beside and prayed for change. 

I see this direct domino effect of cause and effect in the women of my family. Each being effected from the other's choices and suffering in their own way. I look at myself, all my anxieties, body image and obsessive tendencies, stubborness. Things I hate about myself.

Would I be a good mother to a little girl? Or would my tendencies and weaknesses be too strong for me to hide and change the way she views her world. I want my daughter to have confidence and be courageous and lover herself for who she is. I want her to know she is beautiful and treasured. I want her to know that she deserves so many great things.

But how can I raise my little girl to believe these things when her own mother doesn't believe them for herself...

Now, for my second dream that happened last night, just a few days after my first one.

This dream was very clear. I was in a room full of baby boys, all wanting to play and be held. When I went to hold them they didn't want anything to do with me and instantly reached out for someone else. In my dream I found myself alone in the room and decided to totally give up on trying to get one of the babies to let me hold them

This dream was weird to me because I absolutely love kids. And kids... really love me. I know that's kind of a bold statement, but it's true. I've worked with children at church for a few years, and kids, especially the little boys, tend to gravitate towards me to play. I'm usually the one the teacher turns to when a child is upset or wanting their mother and needs to be preoccupied.

One day, I would love to be settled down in a beautiful home with the man of my dreams and share a life together with our little children who feel comfortable and happy enough to run free without worry. 

I want a family of my own.

But these dreams make me question just how deserving I am...

I pray that these are just dreams and that God has a bigger plan for me. I know no matter how it all pans out in the end, my happiness is his goal, and as a child of his, he will never leave me without my hearts desires if they're measurable to his.

For now, I have to let the future remain in the future and keep a positive mind while I continue to trust Jesus. 

Were Heading For A Brighter Day

A friend really put some things in prospective for me the other day. 

I don't know if he realizes, but he told me a lot of things that I hope to carry through with for the rest of my life.

He told me that you should never invest emotions into someone with the intentions and outlook that the big things they're lacking as a person, they'll hopefully one day possess and be all that you need them to be. 

"It's good to want to encourage someone, to build them up and push them towards their potential, but you also have to take someone where they are and if that isn't somewhere you can be happy with if they DON'T change, then pass". 

I like to put a lot of hope and faith in people and desire to see them grow. I want people to have opportunity, and hope for a better future. I never want to doubt someone's potential or strength. But when it comes to my own happiness, and finding someone to share that happiness with, I can't afford to make exceptions with the hope of them one day being all that I need. If I can't fully trust that they're someone that is going to lead me and protect me, invest time and emotion into a relationship and desire to lead me in the ways of Christ, I can't invest precious emotions and feelings that i'm not completely sure will be returned. 

I have to believe that there is someone out there willing to lead and love me the way I desire to be loved. 

He told me that he was a big fan of picking up and moving to a place and starting completely from scratch and putting himself in situations that forced him to make something of himself. THIS inspired me. I'm always wishing to be somewhere else. Usually, it's some a place like Italy, or sunny California. 

I just got a letter saying my application to Azusa Pacific University was still in affect from two years ago when I had applied and received a pretty decent scholarship for writing. Because I was in a relationship with a guy I had been with for almost two years, I let the opportunity pass because of the fear that I might lose him. As time has passed, and I'm no longer dating him, I have come to realize that because I was blinded by young, foolish love, I let go of a major opportunity and my heart still deeply longs to go that route.

Today, I decided I can still go that route. I'ts going to take a little fearless courage, moving 20 hours away to a place I don't know a single person. But i'm ready for change. And i'm ready to do something for myself; take a leap of faith and see where it gets me. If I don't like it, i'm at a place in life where i'm not risking or losing much. 

[{At least I can look back and say that I took the chance and I chased a dream}]

SO, I filled out and re-applied for school in sunny California next year. The time building up to the move will be spent saving up and preparing for change. I can't wait to see what that will look like.

I'm dying to breath in these abundant skies

Limitless

Imagine doing everything you have ever dreamed.
What would it look like?

I know I'd be traveling. I'd probably be somewhere in Southern California, going to school and relaxing on the beach on my free time. Totally soaking in the beauty around and happily feeling the sun, warm against my golden skin.

Reality? I'm here. In Portland. Suffocated by freezing fog and pouring rain. Waking up most mornings between 4-5, working full time, going to school full time, and spending any extra time-studying full time. My head is barely above water, struggling to stay afloat between anxieties and stresses that are continually focused on weighing me down. I dream of sunshine, and I continually wish to be somewhere else but here. My mind gets trapped in a negative, nauseating state that tells me you had your chance, you didn't take it, now stick it out and make it through. Whether you like it or not.

Why do I let myself believe such a lie like that--- I ALREADY had my chance, and blew it? How come I only had one chance? Do I not get any others the rest of my life?

[(I believe the chances will always be there, they're simply just waiting to be taken)]


So what is it going to take to make me bold enough to take a chance? Risk a little?
I want to believe that because these desires and dreams are placed in my heart and continually make their appearance in my everyday life, they are bound to be somewhat beneficial to my needs.

IF NOT NOW, WHEN?


Your life is waiting to begin whenever you let it and wherever you take it. Your life follows, no matter where you are.

It's important not to add up all these notions in your mind that once you settle in, your stuck and can't move. That's all just a fear of potential discomfort and loss of control. You shouldn't fear discomfort for it's when you are taken away from your comfort zone that you're forced to grow. You shouldn't be afraid to lose control of your life, for when it comes down to it, you have zero control of the the possibilities and predicaments of your life; all you are expected to do is live it.

I want to live mine without fear. I want to live a life FULL of hope and excitement for the coming adventures and changes. At  some point you have to take yourself out of the equation and allow your mind to let go and just do. Imagine the habits you will create if you automatically count options and dreams as impossible or as a lost chance. What will you ever have to look forward to or to be hopeful and excited about. Most likely... not a whole lot.



Lord, remind me of how brief my time on earth will be. Remind me that my days are numbered-how fleeting my life is. You have made my life no longer than the width of my hand. My entire lifetime is just a moment to you; At best, each of us is but a breath.


Where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you.


Psalm 39

"If fear hasn't killed me yet, It never will"-John Mayer

Scared of what might be. Scared of what possibly could be. Scared.

Why am I so afraid of something good happening to me? Like falling in love. People do it everyday. I would even dare to say that there is some two people, somewhere in the world, actively falling in love at this very second, and LOVING every second of it!
Those people are happy, care-free, and full of life and outlook.
So why am I so afraid to have something so desirable?
I think that sometimes when you put your whole heart and efforts into something and really pour your passion into it, and then... something happens to mess it all up, and suddenly all you thought, hoped, and dreamt about, is gone... It takes a serious toll on the mind. You start to question yourself. You question the truth within, and you question the real reality of happiness.
I know that, in the past, there has been many times I have placed my trust and confidence into people that have eventually let me down in every way possible, sending my heart spiraling downward to fend once again, for itself. Left to make decisions alone. Left to cope and heal, alone.
People... are people. I'm not perfect. I don't always remember every detail about every person I have ever met or shared a story with. So why should I expect others to remember even the littlest about myself? I mean sure, there are people in my life that do care to keep track more than others, but I still have to realize that no one is perfect, and people are always going to let you down. Whether they mean to or not. Given the choice, I hope to NEVER let someone down, but I know I will. I know I have.
Back to being scared. I have spent the last year, 12 whole months, completing a promise to myself to maintain being single and focus on myself and finding an stronger, more independent, women within.
To be honest, I've found her.
I've never really been the most confident, outgoing, type. And I'm still not. But, I love myself more now, then I have my whole life. I realize that I have been forgiven for my past, and just like anything else, the past stays where it is and doesn't have to follow you around if you don't allow it to. I've taken the focus I once put on relationships, and materials, and looks, and have allowed myself to just enjoy. Enjoy time alone, peace, quietness, family, growth, outdoors. Just doing things because I enjoyed it. And doing them because I wanted to. I've worked harder than ever this last year and have brought myself to a level of success that I'm very happy with.
The greatest thing I've gained thought has to be... self appreciation and respect.
I have this new outlook for myself. One that tells me I do deserve. I deserve it all if I want. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to get giddy and excited. I deserve to feel beautiful and loved and free within my surroundings. What I really deserve, and once never believed to be true, is that there is someone out there who is going to love every bit of me. flaws and all. And the best part is, I don't have to settle for anything less. Neither do I have a desire to. This year has taught me the importance of patience and desire for something great. I have faith. And I have hope. I also believe that this is all true for every person. Not one of us is perfect, but there is someone special out there who is going to fill all those holes and imperfections.

As for me? I'm going to forget about being scared and let myself get giddy. Be excited, cause there is love out there, and you're just as fortunate and deserving as the rest.