Were Heading For A Brighter Day

A friend really put some things in prospective for me the other day. 

I don't know if he realizes, but he told me a lot of things that I hope to carry through with for the rest of my life.

He told me that you should never invest emotions into someone with the intentions and outlook that the big things they're lacking as a person, they'll hopefully one day possess and be all that you need them to be. 

"It's good to want to encourage someone, to build them up and push them towards their potential, but you also have to take someone where they are and if that isn't somewhere you can be happy with if they DON'T change, then pass". 

I like to put a lot of hope and faith in people and desire to see them grow. I want people to have opportunity, and hope for a better future. I never want to doubt someone's potential or strength. But when it comes to my own happiness, and finding someone to share that happiness with, I can't afford to make exceptions with the hope of them one day being all that I need. If I can't fully trust that they're someone that is going to lead me and protect me, invest time and emotion into a relationship and desire to lead me in the ways of Christ, I can't invest precious emotions and feelings that i'm not completely sure will be returned. 

I have to believe that there is someone out there willing to lead and love me the way I desire to be loved. 

He told me that he was a big fan of picking up and moving to a place and starting completely from scratch and putting himself in situations that forced him to make something of himself. THIS inspired me. I'm always wishing to be somewhere else. Usually, it's some a place like Italy, or sunny California. 

I just got a letter saying my application to Azusa Pacific University was still in affect from two years ago when I had applied and received a pretty decent scholarship for writing. Because I was in a relationship with a guy I had been with for almost two years, I let the opportunity pass because of the fear that I might lose him. As time has passed, and I'm no longer dating him, I have come to realize that because I was blinded by young, foolish love, I let go of a major opportunity and my heart still deeply longs to go that route.

Today, I decided I can still go that route. I'ts going to take a little fearless courage, moving 20 hours away to a place I don't know a single person. But i'm ready for change. And i'm ready to do something for myself; take a leap of faith and see where it gets me. If I don't like it, i'm at a place in life where i'm not risking or losing much. 

[{At least I can look back and say that I took the chance and I chased a dream}]

SO, I filled out and re-applied for school in sunny California next year. The time building up to the move will be spent saving up and preparing for change. I can't wait to see what that will look like.

I'm dying to breath in these abundant skies

Limitless

Imagine doing everything you have ever dreamed.
What would it look like?

I know I'd be traveling. I'd probably be somewhere in Southern California, going to school and relaxing on the beach on my free time. Totally soaking in the beauty around and happily feeling the sun, warm against my golden skin.

Reality? I'm here. In Portland. Suffocated by freezing fog and pouring rain. Waking up most mornings between 4-5, working full time, going to school full time, and spending any extra time-studying full time. My head is barely above water, struggling to stay afloat between anxieties and stresses that are continually focused on weighing me down. I dream of sunshine, and I continually wish to be somewhere else but here. My mind gets trapped in a negative, nauseating state that tells me you had your chance, you didn't take it, now stick it out and make it through. Whether you like it or not.

Why do I let myself believe such a lie like that--- I ALREADY had my chance, and blew it? How come I only had one chance? Do I not get any others the rest of my life?

[(I believe the chances will always be there, they're simply just waiting to be taken)]


So what is it going to take to make me bold enough to take a chance? Risk a little?
I want to believe that because these desires and dreams are placed in my heart and continually make their appearance in my everyday life, they are bound to be somewhat beneficial to my needs.

IF NOT NOW, WHEN?


Your life is waiting to begin whenever you let it and wherever you take it. Your life follows, no matter where you are.

It's important not to add up all these notions in your mind that once you settle in, your stuck and can't move. That's all just a fear of potential discomfort and loss of control. You shouldn't fear discomfort for it's when you are taken away from your comfort zone that you're forced to grow. You shouldn't be afraid to lose control of your life, for when it comes down to it, you have zero control of the the possibilities and predicaments of your life; all you are expected to do is live it.

I want to live mine without fear. I want to live a life FULL of hope and excitement for the coming adventures and changes. At  some point you have to take yourself out of the equation and allow your mind to let go and just do. Imagine the habits you will create if you automatically count options and dreams as impossible or as a lost chance. What will you ever have to look forward to or to be hopeful and excited about. Most likely... not a whole lot.



Lord, remind me of how brief my time on earth will be. Remind me that my days are numbered-how fleeting my life is. You have made my life no longer than the width of my hand. My entire lifetime is just a moment to you; At best, each of us is but a breath.


Where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you.


Psalm 39

"If fear hasn't killed me yet, It never will"-John Mayer

Scared of what might be. Scared of what possibly could be. Scared.

Why am I so afraid of something good happening to me? Like falling in love. People do it everyday. I would even dare to say that there is some two people, somewhere in the world, actively falling in love at this very second, and LOVING every second of it!
Those people are happy, care-free, and full of life and outlook.
So why am I so afraid to have something so desirable?
I think that sometimes when you put your whole heart and efforts into something and really pour your passion into it, and then... something happens to mess it all up, and suddenly all you thought, hoped, and dreamt about, is gone... It takes a serious toll on the mind. You start to question yourself. You question the truth within, and you question the real reality of happiness.
I know that, in the past, there has been many times I have placed my trust and confidence into people that have eventually let me down in every way possible, sending my heart spiraling downward to fend once again, for itself. Left to make decisions alone. Left to cope and heal, alone.
People... are people. I'm not perfect. I don't always remember every detail about every person I have ever met or shared a story with. So why should I expect others to remember even the littlest about myself? I mean sure, there are people in my life that do care to keep track more than others, but I still have to realize that no one is perfect, and people are always going to let you down. Whether they mean to or not. Given the choice, I hope to NEVER let someone down, but I know I will. I know I have.
Back to being scared. I have spent the last year, 12 whole months, completing a promise to myself to maintain being single and focus on myself and finding an stronger, more independent, women within.
To be honest, I've found her.
I've never really been the most confident, outgoing, type. And I'm still not. But, I love myself more now, then I have my whole life. I realize that I have been forgiven for my past, and just like anything else, the past stays where it is and doesn't have to follow you around if you don't allow it to. I've taken the focus I once put on relationships, and materials, and looks, and have allowed myself to just enjoy. Enjoy time alone, peace, quietness, family, growth, outdoors. Just doing things because I enjoyed it. And doing them because I wanted to. I've worked harder than ever this last year and have brought myself to a level of success that I'm very happy with.
The greatest thing I've gained thought has to be... self appreciation and respect.
I have this new outlook for myself. One that tells me I do deserve. I deserve it all if I want. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to get giddy and excited. I deserve to feel beautiful and loved and free within my surroundings. What I really deserve, and once never believed to be true, is that there is someone out there who is going to love every bit of me. flaws and all. And the best part is, I don't have to settle for anything less. Neither do I have a desire to. This year has taught me the importance of patience and desire for something great. I have faith. And I have hope. I also believe that this is all true for every person. Not one of us is perfect, but there is someone special out there who is going to fill all those holes and imperfections.

As for me? I'm going to forget about being scared and let myself get giddy. Be excited, cause there is love out there, and you're just as fortunate and deserving as the rest.

while it's still easy.

There will come a day when getting out of bed will be an obstacle. A struggle that actually takes work to do each day. A day when our bones are no longer strong, our hearts are no longer beating as quickly, and our muscles are no longer as tight and useable.
Next time you sleep half the day and then spend another hour contemplating even getting out of bed, remember that it's as easy as rolling over and stepping off to start your day. No second guessing whether your knees will give out as you stand or if that pain from yesterday will jolt back as soon as you make an effort to move... Get up and make use of the time you have. While it's still as simple as rolling put of bed, jumping on the shower and and conquering the battles of the day.
This life is a gift. Our bodies arnt getting any younger. Don't let too old and brittle sneak up so soon, leaving you wishingyou would have made use of the time you had when you were still young and healthy.

headed towards a better life.

Hold on.
I keep telling myself, wait it out. Three more months and you are in New York, starting a brand new life.
New people, food, atmosphere. Far away from ex boyfriends, broken pasts and ugly regrets.
The best part is, all that I've learned up until now as a result of trial and error, I can now put towards a fresh new start. This time doing things the way I know they will work. Not jumping into relationships. Staying healthy. Being a go getter. Trying new things and no longer afraid to be the girl in the room that doesn't know anyone.
All that doesn't bother me anymore. After spending the last two years grieving a past boyfriend, starting fresh in a big city, finding a solid relationship with Jesus, changing the habits in myself I don't like... All that is going to be finally put to work.
I am so excited. So excited.
What's left to do now? Sit back and enjoy a beautiful summer by the river in my small hometown and get stoked for the end of august when I get out and do something with my life.
It really is only the beginning.

sunshine smiles.

What's better than the warm sunshine against your skin? Life is so beautiful. Sometimes it's hard to allow yourself to just sit tight and soak it all in. Take advantage of the simple gifts in the everyday life and put a little time for yourself in you're routine. I love being able to just sit in silence. Letting my mind quiet, and my body relax. Not thinking about people, food, work, problems... Just sitting.
I think if we don't take time to just stay in a moment and soak it in, we spend too much time pushing towards the future, until all that's left is remorse in the time we passed up to work towards the time we don't even know for sure if we have or not.
So if we know for sure we have right here, right now, this very second... Wouldn't we want to spend more time in the present instead of tomorrows plans that we don't even know if it's guaranteed to us or not.

 

Beautiful mysteries. <br >

Doesn't get much better than a breathtaking sunset, cool ocean breeze, and a silenced mind.

Have you ever wondered, with all the snow, rain, sun that melts the snow, and then runs off into the rivers which all lead to the ocean... and the ocean has gone thousands of years with this same combination of adding to it's already million of billions of gallons of water... and it stays basically the same. No over flow, no drying up. the waves keep coming and stopping in the same place, we live without the fear of one day losing all dry land to an over flowing ocean. 

How crazy is it to think. With all the additionally water that is constantly adding to, logically the ocean would continue to grow, but it doesn't.

Another one of God's beautiful mysteries. One that out does the human mind and leaves us speechless within it's beauty.